


P.S. I Love You

by Hostile_Sociopaths



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Letters, M/M, Post-Split, Ryden
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 21:35:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3625062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hostile_Sociopaths/pseuds/Hostile_Sociopaths
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon Urie and Ryan Ross exchange letters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: We don't own Brendon or Ryan or Panic! at The Disco. They didn't send each other letters, at least to our knowledge they didn't. This is a work of fiction

Ryan Ross,

 

I’m writing this letter to you not because I’m trying to win you back but because I don’t have anyone to tell this to now.I don’t have a way with words like you do, but I hope I get the message across.

 

The worst thing that happened when we separated is not when we realized that _it’s just not working out anymore_ or _the talk_ but it’s when you realize just how much that person meant to you.

I realized this when you and Jon said you were leaving the band and I could do nothing about it. I absolutely hated myself for it. That’s when the aftermath kicked in. I dealt with it by absentmindedly making too much coffee and realizing that I’m all alone. The coffee helped me stay up and ponder things. Things like you and me.

I made friends with solitude out of necessity. A lot of things could come out of it, both good and bad. Like the songs that came out on our new album. Like learning things about myself. Like remembering all too much.

If I’m not busy stacking empty cups of instant ramen in the kitchen, I’m probably laying in bed counting how many planks of wood there are on the floor and thinking how you and I used to shuffle around this floor. We used to dance around it late at night when we were young and helplessly in love. Don’t you ever wish that it could have stayed that way forever?

Maybe we were better off as an unknown band in Spencer’s garage. Maybe we weren’t made for fame and fortune. Maybe if we stayed like that none of this would’ve happened. We could just be normal people who don’t care about much. But you know I could never stay away from the spotlight. It sounds bad, I know but I’d give up everything just to be with you. It just wasn’t clear in my mind back then. I know these words won’t help me bring you back but I just won’t rest knowing that you’re aware of the fact that I’d rather be spending a night with you than a hundred other people.

It feels strange playing your songs without you. Sometimes I’d forget that you weren’t there and I’d look around with new lyrics to show you. Then I’d remember you left. I had to pick up all the pieces, Ryan. Me and Spencer both. We had to get our shit together and carry on as a band. Dallon and Ian helped a lot, but I called Ian by your name once or twice. Maybe I can’t leave you behind for good.

But maybe it was for the better, you know. We called it a creative difference, and to an extent it was. You liked the Beatles vibe and I wanted something new. Over time the fights grew worse and worse and we couldn’t separate our music from our love. I won’t bother recalling how it went down since I know you recall it just as well as I do. But I’ll tell you that my heart broke that night. You see, even if we did fight all the time, I never thought that it would ever come to that. We were always able to work things out. Always.

It wasn’t supposed to end this way. In my mind we would be together, making songs and playing concerts and being in love. Fairy tales never do come true.

I miss you so much, Ryan. I miss you, _I miss you, I miss you_. But I know that we might never get the chance to meet again, we might have grown too far apart. Like I said earlier, I’m not trying to win you back anymore, I just had to take the weight off my chest.

Love forever and ever,

Brendon Urie

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Brendon Urie,

 

You don’t have to win me back. You never lost me in the first place. I think it was me who lost you.

I’m sorry, if that still means anything to you. I’m sorry I let my ego get in the way of everything. That I couldn’t get over myself. I’m sorry I couldn’t separate music from our relationship. I’m sorry I ruined everything for us, though it seems like I’ve taken a worse blow than you. I spend every night replaying the time I said that Jon and I were leaving. I spend every waking hour wishing that something could’ve happened.

I barely sleep, Brendon. Thoughts plague my mind when I’m awake and nightmares terrorize me when I’m asleep. I’ve become scared to close my eyes, because I fear that I’ll lose myself in the dark. It’s in the dark where I lose control of everything.

I can fake it during the shows and interviews. I can put up a front for the fans. I can shrug off questions about Panic! and dodge questions about you. I can say that everything’s doing great even if the slightest mention of your name makes me freeze up. I hope to God nobody notices the look in my eyes when they talk about you.

It’s been hard, I think, for all of us. We’ve been together for what? Five, six years? We’ve been through a lot together. Successes and failures, praises and lash backs. We’ve gotten used to having each other around. With having each others backs at everything, even after spats and arguments. Now it’s like starting at the beginning again. Panic! has new members and a new sound. Jon and I have the Young Veins. To paraphrase one of our songs, _things have changed for us._

I don’t know how much I mean to you anymore. Maybe that letter was a final testimony on the state of things between you and me. But know that I miss you, and I probably shouldn’t. On the rare occasion that I do sleep, I wake up and still expect to see your face beside me. Then I remember. Maybe you’re right about us. We were too… intense for each other. Pushing each other to our limits. It was love at first, but that started to grow tired. It became frustration and anger that we took out on each other, until we had enough. Until we broke and now we’re left to pick up the pieces.

I hope everything goes well for you. I mean it, nobody deserves it more than you.

 

Your one and lonely,

Ryan Ross

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you guys think? Should we continue this as a sort of series where Brendon and Ryan send each other letters?   
> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and likes are appreciated.
> 
> [If you're wondering about A Fever That Can't Move Out, expect an update by next week. School is finally over for us and we'll get around to writing soon.]]


End file.
